One of the most shattering parts of grief, especially for young people, is the powerlessness. Death is the ultimate thing no one can control. And when a loss enters their world, nothing feels steady, nothing feels predictable. For teens and young adults, who are already fighting for independence, this loss of agency can be especially destabilising.

That’s why giving back choice even in small ways is not just kind, it’s essential. Choice restores dignity. It tells the young person: “Your grief belongs to you. You get to decide how you express it, how you carry it, and how you honour the one you’ve lost.”

Gary Roe writes about how forcing a teen to talk, attend a ritual, or process grief “the right way” almost always backfires. Many young people will shut down, withdraw, or rebel. But when we offer them options without pressure, we hand them back a little piece of control in a world that suddenly feels uncontrollable.

What Agency Looks Like in Practice

• Participation in rituals: Instead of saying “You have to attend the funeral,” you could say, “The funeral is happening, and you are welcome to be part of it in whatever way feels right. You could come, light a candle, write a letter, or do something private instead. What feels best for you?”

• Expression of feelings: Some young people want to talk, others write, draw, play music, or simply sit in silence. Let them choose. Instead of asking “Do you want to talk?” (which can feel like a trap), try: “How would you like to share your feelings today with words, music, or maybe just by being together quietly?”

• Honouring the loved one: Agency also means letting them decide how to stay connected. Do they want to create a memory box, plant a tree, keep a photo by their bed, or do nothing at all for now? All are valid.

• Day-to-day decisions: Even small acts, choosing what to eat, whether to go to school that day, or how to spend a Sunday, can restore a sense of empowerment. When grief takes away so much, these small choices matter deeply.

How to Phrase It

• “What would help you feel more comfortable today?”

• “Would you like to go, or would you rather stay home? Either choice is okay.”

• “How do you want to remember your mum today?”

• “This is your grief. I’m here to walk beside you, but you get to choose the pace.”

The Heart of Empowerment

Empowerment is not about getting them to “do the right thing.” It’s about trusting their grief instincts. When we give agency, we show them respect. We say: “You may be young, but your grief is real and you are the expert of your own experience.”

And that, more than anything, restores a sense of strength in a time when they may feel utterly powerless.

💡 Takeaway for adults: Your role is to offer choices, not prescriptions. Empowerment heals because it returns a sense of ownership over grief. In a world turned upside down, every moment of agency is like handing back a piece of steady ground.