Grief is often misunderstood as a process of letting go. But as Joanne Cacciatore reminds us in Bearing the Unbearable, healing doesn’t come from detachment; it comes from connection. The person who has died doesn’t vanish from a young person’s life; they remain a part of it. And learning safe, meaningful ways to maintain that bond can be profoundly healing.

For young people, continuing bonds help bridge the gap between “before” and “after” the loss. These bonds reassure them that love doesn’t end with death. They offer comfort, a sense of guidance, and a thread of stability in a world that suddenly feels uncertain.

What Continuing Bonds Look Like

• Memory boxes or keepsakes: Collect objects that remind them of the person, a scarf, a watch, a photo, or even a ticket from a shared experience. This tangible connection gives grief a home and creates a ritualised space for remembrance.

• Letters and messages: Writing letters to the deceased is a way to express feelings that might feel too heavy or complicated to say aloud. Teens and young adults can write about their day, their struggles, or the ways they wish their loved one were still present.

• Anniversaries and milestones: Birthdays, holidays, graduations, or first jobs can feel particularly sharp after a loss. Acknowledging these moments and creating small rituals to honour the absent loved one helps the young person navigate these emotional spikes. For example: “It’s your mum’s birthday today. Would you like to light a candle together or write her a note?”

• Storytelling and shared memories: Talking about the deceased openly, sharing stories, or even laughing at memories can normalise grief. It teaches that it’s possible to hold love and loss simultaneously.

• Creative expression: Drawing, music, dance, or photography can become bridges to the deceased. Sometimes a teen might paint a picture inspired by their sibling, or a young adult might compile a playlist of songs that remind them of their friend.

Why Continuing Bonds Matter

Continuing bonds are not about clinging to the past or avoiding life in the present. They are about integrating the loved one into a living memory that supports growth. This aligns with the research from Gary Roe and other grief specialists, who emphasise that young people who find ways to safely remember the deceased often experience less isolation, more resilience, and a greater sense of identity.

Rather than being a “reminder of loss,” these bonds become a resource. They can offer guidance (“What would Dad say if I were nervous about this interview?”), comfort (“I can still feel Mum’s love when I walk by the river”), and a way to honour values, traditions, or shared passions.

Practical Tips for Adults

• Ask, don’t impose: Offer options and invitations rather than directives. “Would you like to make a memory box or just keep your own collection of things?”

• Respect privacy: Some young people may want to grieve alone or in a private way. You can support the bond without forcing interaction, e.g., leaving a candle lit or putting a photo in a visible space without commentary.

• Model connection: Adults can demonstrate that remembering is healthy. Share your own stories and memories of the deceased, showing that it’s okay to grieve openly while continuing with life.

• Validate returning grief: A young adult might feel waves of sadness years later. Reassure them that this is normal: “Feeling sad on your brother’s birthday doesn’t mean you’re not coping. It’s a way of keeping your bond alive.”

• Create new rituals: Encourage personalised acts of remembrance, like planting flowers, writing an annual letter, or creating a small tradition that celebrates the person’s life.

The Heart of Continuing Bonds

Grief is not about forgetting; it’s about holding on in new ways. By supporting continuing bonds, adults teach young people that love doesn’t vanish, even in the face of death. These bonds provide a secure emotional anchor while still allowing life to move forward. They remind the young person: “Your loved one is part of you. Their absence doesn’t erase their impact. Their memory can guide, comfort, and inspire you as you grow.”