When someone we love dies, nothing feels normal. The world looks the same, but it isn’t. Friends laugh about trivial things, school assignments keep piling up, life goes on as though nothing has happened, and yet inside, everything has changed. For a young person, this disconnect can feel isolating and frightening.

Normalisation is about saying: “What you are feeling makes sense. You’re not broken. You’re grieving.”

Why normalisation matters

Young people are still learning what feelings mean and whether those feelings are “okay.” Grief can bring waves of anger, guilt, exhaustion, laughter at strange times, numbness, or even relief. Without reassurance, they may fear they’re “going crazy” or that their grief is wrong.

Gary Roe reminds us that teens, in particular, already feel like outsiders. Grief can double that sense of being “different.” They might think:

• “None of my friends know what this is like.”

• “Why am I angry one minute and laughing the next? Does that mean I didn’t love them enough?”

• “Why do I feel fine today when yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed?”

Adults help by naming these experiences as normal expressions of grief.

Grief shouldn’t have to be justified
Young people often feel pressure to explain or defend their grief. They might hear:

• “You’re too young to be upset.”

• “It’s been long enough, shouldn’t you be over it?”

• “Focus on the good memories, don’t dwell on the sadness.”

These messages can make them feel their emotions are invalid or “wrong.” Normalisation reassures them that all of their feelings, even conflicting ones, are legitimate, and that it’s okay to hold sadness alongside joy, anger, or relief.

Even when the person was very young or they don’t have clear memories, young people can grieve the loss of a presence in their life, the guidance, love, or shared experiences they won’t get to have. Normalisation helps them understand that missing what could have been is a natural and valid part of grief.

What normalisation looks like

Interpret behaviour through the lens of grief:

• “It makes sense you’re angry. When someone we love dies, it shakes everything.”

• “Lots of people find it hard to concentrate after a loss. You’re not alone.”

• “Sometimes grief feels like numbness. That doesn’t mean you don’t care.”

Recognise the waves of emotion: laughter and tears can coexist; mood swings don’t mean something is “wrong.”

Anticipate triggers: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or graduations can reignite grief. Acknowledge these:

• “Your mom’s birthday is coming up. It’s natural to feel emotional.”

• “Feeling sad at holidays doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning, it’s another wave.”

The risk of silence

Without normalisation, young people often internalise shame: “Something’s wrong with me for feeling this way.” That shame isolates them further, making it harder to share what they need. Worse, it may push them toward unhealthy coping (numbing, risk-taking, withdrawal) to hide their grief.

Your steady voice, reminding them, “You are not broken; this is grief,” dismantles that shame.

Practical ways to normalise grief for young people

• Share stories. Without making it about you, you might say: “When I lost someone, I also had days where I felt totally numb. It’s a common part of grief.”

• Bring in resources. Books, quotes, even short videos from others who have grieved can show them they’re not alone. (Gary Roe’s writings often resonate with teens.)

• Use metaphors. Many young people find comfort in metaphors: “Grief is like waves. Some days the sea is calm; other days the storm comes back. Both are normal.”

• Acknowledge strength and struggle. “It’s normal to laugh with friends and then feel guilty after. Grief doesn’t cancel joy, and joy doesn’t cancel grief.”

Developmental nuances

• For younger teens (11–14): Normalise physical reactions (trouble sleeping, stomachaches) as part of grief, so they don’t fear they’re ill.

• For older teens (15–18): Normalise questions of identity, fairness, and anger at the world. “It makes sense you’re asking why this happened. Grief often brings big questions.”

• For young adults (19–24): Normalise the clash between independence and vulnerability. “It’s natural to want to stand on your own and to feel like you need support.”

💡 Takeaway for adults:
Normalisation is about lifting shame off grief. It tells the young person: “You are not crazy. You are grieving, and everything you feel is part of that.” When we normalise their experience, we don’t minimise it, we validate it, holding their pain as something worthy of care and respect.

Compassion:

If normalisation says “your grief is valid,” then compassion says “and I am with you in it.”

Compassion isn’t about pity, and it’s not about fixing. It’s about allowing yourself to notice their suffering, letting your heart be moved by it, and showing up with kindness. Sometimes that kindness looks like words, sometimes like silence, sometimes like action.

Teens, especially, can be suspicious of words, but they notice how you are with them. A soft tone, not rushing, being willing to listen without advice — these are forms of compassion. It shows them: “You don’t have to carry this alone. Someone is willing to carry a corner of it with you.”