I want you to imagine for a moment: your young person is sitting across from you, headphones in, staring at their phone, or curled up in bed, refusing to talk. Your instinct might be to do something to cheer them up, to get them talking, to give advice, to make the pain go away. That’s because we love them and hate to see them hurting. But here’s the hard truth: we cannot fix grief.

Joanne Cacciatore, in Bearing the Unbearable, says grief is not a pathology, not a disease to cure, but something to honour. And one of the most powerful ways to honour it is to witness it. Witnessing means you don’t turn away from their pain, you don’t try to cover it with positivity, and you don’t give quick solutions. You stay. You see. You listen.

Why witnessing matters so much for young people

For a teenager or young adult, grief can feel invisible. Their friends may not know what to say, teachers may focus on grades and behaviour, and sometimes even family members can unintentionally push them to “move on.” This leaves them feeling like their pain is too much for others, or worse, that it doesn’t matter.

When you choose to witness, you’re sending the opposite message: “Your grief matters. You matter. I can sit with you in this.” That simple act can restore a sense of worth and safety that grief has shattered.

What witnessing looks like in practice

• Silent presence
  You don’t have to fill the air with words. Sitting on the sofa together, folding laundry side by side, even driving in the car, your quiet presence says, “I’m not afraid of your silence.”
  Gary Roe reminds us that teens especially need space. Pushing them to talk before they’re ready can make them shut down further. Being there without pressure gives them control.

• Listening without steering
  If they do begin to talk, resist the urge to jump in with solutions, comparisons, or platitudes. “At least they’re not suffering anymore”, or “You’ll feel better soon”, can land as dismissive. Instead, simple phrases like “That sounds so hard” or “I’m glad you told me” are enough.
  Remember: your job isn’t to explain their grief away, it’s to witness it.

• Holding space for big emotions
  Sometimes witnessing means not flinching when they cry, scream, or rage. Teens, especially, may test whether adults can “handle” their intensity. If you can stay steady and compassionate, they learn that their grief won’t scare you off. That is profoundly healing.

• Normalising the waves
  You might see them laughing with friends one day and devastated the next. By witnessing these shifts without judgment, you reassure them that nothing is “wrong” with them.

How witnessing differs from “fixing”

• Fixing says: “I need to change this feeling, make it go away.”

• Witnessing says: “I see your pain, and I’ll sit with you in it.”

Fixing puts the spotlight on our discomfort. Witnessing puts the spotlight back where it belongs, on the young person’s lived reality.

Examples of witnessing in everyday life

• Sitting quietly while your teen scrolls their phone, then gently asking, “Want me to sit with you, or do you need space?”

• Saying, “I don’t have answers, but I want to hear whatever you want to share.”

• When they lash out in anger, pausing and reflecting back: “I wonder if this anger is about missing Mum. That would make sense.”

• Allowing them to cry without rushing to offer tissues or distract them, just staying beside them.

• Creating rituals of presence, a walk after dinner, lighting a candle together, that don’t require talking but signal, “I am here.”

The courage of witnessing

Witnessing is hard because it requires vulnerability. Brene Brown reminds us: “There is no courage without vulnerability.” To truly witness, you must be willing to feel uncomfortable, to enter into another’s sorrow without trying to tidy it up. This is an act of courage and love.

💡 Takeaway for adults:
If you take nothing else from this module, let it be this: your teen does not need fixing. They need a witness. Your steady presence, quiet, compassionate, unhurried, can be the most powerful support you offer.