Growing through grief
The longer journey.
Grief doesn't really end, but it does change. This section is about the longer journey of grief, how you can find meaning and discover that there is life on the other side of loss.
Grief doesn't get smaller, life grows around it
Most people don't ‘get over’ grief. Most people don't ‘move on’. Grief remains a part of their life story. What actually happens is that life grows around grief. New experiences, relationships, and meaning slowly expand alongside the loss. The grief stays, but over time it takes up less of the whole picture.
This is what that actually looks like:
A song that hits exactly right. Your phone lighting up with a message from someone you actually like. A stupid video that makes you laugh before you remember to feel bad. Your dog or cat just sitting with you. Eating something you genuinely enjoy. Getting into bed after a long day. A conversation that goes somewhere real.
Grief also resurfaces. At birthdays, graduations, milestones, moments you wish they could have seen. Grief moves on its own timeline, not yours. You might seem fine now and find it hits you again in a year, or five years.
I feel like I've lived 10 years in the space of 3… I feel like I've grown around it instead of it shrinking. You'll meet new friends, you'll do new things… grief never goes away, but it gets more manageable.
— E, 23, who lost her mum at 20
Sometimes healing begins by simply learning to notice small moments that feel bearable, gentle, or alive, and letting those moments exist without guilt. Grief will always remain part of your story. But it does not have to become the only story about you.
Tonkin's Growing Around Grief Model
Rebuilding meaning
Grief changes you. You often lose big parts of your identity, and it can feel like you are starting from scratch, figuring out who you are now that your world has turned upside down.
Earlier we talked about how grief can make everything feel pointless, like nothing is worth caring about anymore. Well, this is the longer answer to that. Meaning doesn't come quickly. But it does come. Most people do find that after grief they become someone who can hold what happened and still keep going.
Some young people find a meaning through doing something connected to the person they lost, a cause they cared about, a project, a change in direction. Others find it through creativity, or finding a spiritual connection, or sometimes invisible internal shifts that are hard to name. Others don't find a meaning as clear as this, but they do find their way through. You don't have to find a reason this all happened. Some deaths are senseless and cruel. The question isn't why. It's how you want to carry it.
Some questions worth sitting with — when you're ready, not before:
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What do you want to carry forward from them?
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What did they care about that you want to keep alive?
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Has this grief changed what feels important to you?
These are not questions with neat endings. But they're worth asking when the time feels right.
One thing to watch for: sometimes when grief is unbearable, the mind tries to make it bearable by finding someone to blame, and that someone is often you. "I deserved this." "This happened to teach me a lesson." "I should have done more." That's not meaning. That's pain turning inward. If you notice that happening, it's worth talking to someone about it.
Many young people also describe an unexpected change after loss - becoming more aware of other people's pain. More able to sit with someone who's struggling. Grief can change you in ways that are hard to explain. But it's real.
Reading up on what I can do, why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling… really helped me realise that there is actually a way through this.
— Z, 24, who lost his dad at 17
When grief needs more support
Most people find their way through grief with time, connection, and support. But sometimes grief becomes too heavy to carry alone.
Some experiences make grief harder to process: sudden or traumatic deaths, loss by suicide, or grief that starts seriously interfering with your ability to function over weeks and months.
Signs it might be time to reach out
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Thoughts of not wanting to be here, or of hurting yourself.
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Self-harm.
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Weeks of not being able to manage basic daily life - eating, sleeping, school, getting through the day.
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Feeling completely cut off from everyone, pushing people away even when you don't want to.
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Thinking about the person constantly in a way that won't let up and is taking over everything.
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Taking risks you wouldn't normally take, with substances, with your safety, with relationships.
These are signals that grief has become too heavy to carry alone. And, you don't have to be in crisis to deserve help. If something feels wrong, that's enough reason to reach out.
If the death was traumatic
If it was sudden, violent, or something you witnessed or imagined in detail, you might experience flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, or feeling constantly on edge. That's your brain trying to process something that broke the ordinary rules of safety. Specific support exists for this. You don't have to work through it alone.
What therapy actually is
A lot of young people are frightened of therapy because nobody explained what it actually is. It's not sitting in a room being forced to talk about painful things immediately. It's not being judged or analysed.
At its best, therapy is simply one place where you don't have to pretend you're okay. Someone trained helps you understand what's happening inside you, feel less alone in it, and slowly find ways to carry what's happened. You can go slowly. You can say "I don't know." You can change therapists if someone doesn't feel right. And you don't have to wait until you're completely falling apart to deserve support.
For more on the different kinds of support available, like counselling, peer groups, other grief organisations, visit our Resources page.
If you need support right now:
Samaritans (24/7) — 116 123 · samaritans.org
Childline (under 19s) — 0800 1111 · childline.org.uk
Shout Crisis Text Line — text SHOUT to 85258
Kooth — free online counselling for young people · kooth.com
The Mix — support for under 25s · themix.org.uk